May 5th, 2009
|09:43 am - The eternal sunshine of the spotless mind|
I have this bad habit of getting painfully nostalgic over things that no longer have a such a presence in my life, if at all.
Just little things crop up now and again.
I kind of want to forget about the last 4 months, and particularly, those two weeks.
It's done, it's over. There's no going back. And I don't want to anyway. Nope. Things are abundantly clear that this wasn't going to work in the first place.
But why did I subconsciously seek that out?? I thought that I was over my stupid absentee-daddy issues. I thought that I demanded more of myself and of someone else to stick around... and to let a lot of my baggage go... and in that regard, I failed.
Why? It's simple, really. I'm terrified that I'll latch on to someone who remotely shows interest, fall way too fucking hard, and then pick up the scraps until they slink away and bail completely.
Just like when I was a kid awaiting my dad's semi-annual phone call, and subsequent "forgetting" to pick me up.
My dad and I have a relatively healthier relationship now. He recognizes he was a fuck-up, and sort of apologized back in December.
But I still don't hear from him for weeks at a time... The adult in me asks, "So effing what?"
The nine-year old in me still asks, "Why don't you love me?"
And I RECOGNIZED this. I told myself that my dad's inability to be a goddamn father was in no way a reflection upon me. These were his issues. Not mine.
This translated much into the idea that I want someone in my life. I don't need them.
I was completely up front about it. I never had anything to hide, and at first, it seemed as though the dude was completely on board.
I was cautious. I was careful. I maintained my cool, and was wise about things.
But once the gate swung open, I was down for the count. Shit. I didn't expect that one.
I don't want this anymore. I don't want to be that girl who never lets it go. I want a life that's full, and someone who wants to be a part of that.
I'm continuing on and doing my own thing. An awesome guy out there thinks I'm fucking amazing. I'm patient. Whoever he is, he'll show up eventually. In the meantime? There is no meantime. My life is great. Now.
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: Muse - Hysteria
November 29th, 2008
|07:22 pm - Reevaluation|
I hate my job.
I hate being $7,000 in credit card debt.
I hate being alone.
I hate feeling boxed in by my own fear and depression.
Something's got to change, or something's going to crack.
I'm looking for that sign that tells me that there is a purpose for my life...
...and things are continually too hazy.
This is not what I wanted.
Current Mood: listless
October 24th, 2008
|10:49 am - What the hell?!|
Didn't get any sleep last night, and ended up having a nightmare about a botched surgery in an OR. I don't know if I was one of the doctors or what... I have no idea why I was there in the first place.
The guy on the gurney is clinically dead, and rigor mortis is setting in, when he starts heaving, and blood pours from his eyes, ears, and mouth.
His eyes begin to bulge and he's screaming.
The pressure in his head gets to be too much, and his forehead starts to, I don't know, gurgle? What looks like worms are slithering under his skin, and then his brain bursts through his skull.
This is why I don't need drugs.
Current Mood: listless
Current Music: Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love
October 18th, 2008
|04:21 pm - I hate this fascist bitch|
and I hate Pat Buchanan, too.
Current Mood: infuriated
October 16th, 2008
|03:03 pm - Don't laugh, but...|
I seriously feel like slashing my wrist with the pair of scissors right here on my desk.
I am not trying to be melodramatic. I swear.
I work for God,
and I hate my fucking job.
Everything about it...
The piety, the hypocrisy, this shitty mac, my co-worker's bullshit and lies, my clueless manager, and my own incompetence.
This place sends me into a tailspin, and I feel like screaming like an insolent two year old.
I broke two pens today.
I imagine picking up my monitor and smashing it to bits in the hallway.
I'd quit this bitch right this second...
If I knew what the hell I'd even do next.
I'm staring at a billion fucking wedding pictures to scan, and I. Just. Don't. Care.
InDesign hates me, and I hate it back.
I know this isn't good, and you're thinking, "Duh, Amy. EVERYONE hates their job. Get over it."
Yep, I get that.
But when it makes me consider checking into a psych ward? That can't be normal.
Current Location: The 7th Level of Hell
Current Mood: infuriated
October 12th, 2008
|04:08 am - Okay... What is this fuckery?|
Let me preface by stating that I am perfectly happy being single.
I am so for a reason.
I'm intent on getting my own shit together.
I refuse to be anyone's savior or force anyone to be mine.
I can't allow my past and my lame abandonment issues to serve as excuses.
I've too often before set myself up for a fall (well, more like a crash onto concrete) because I thought that I had no other choice.
On medication for God-knows-what mental illness? Check.
Allowing myself to mold to their liking? Check.
And the ones who were emotionally unavailable? Yep. The second they throw out a scrap, I'm feasting like King Henry VIII, dude.
21 months ago, I decided, eff that.
Henceforth, I want the real deal. I want the life-long love story with the best friend. I want the relationship that doesn't feel like so much work, because you're having too much fun and laughing too hard.
Because I'm an idiot, I still believe in love... the notion of soulmates... blah, blah, fucking blah.
At this rate, I really will wake up one day a spinster cat-lady and my dead carcass will be devoured by wild dogs.
As soon as I throw down my torch for one supposed kindred, literally one fucking day, I find out through some very basic sleuthing, that the guy who I thought was the One, seriously, the One. The One, with whom I was friends. Confidants. Even fucking fellow mall rats...
The One (with whom I completely screwed up nine years ago, because, let's reiterate, I. Am. An. Idiot) got married.
Not a while ago, not last year, not six months ago.
Yesterday. Homeboy is on his honeymoon as I type this.
"The Great Guy For You is out there."
Yes. Go ahead and lie to me, and I'll smile and wink.
Current Mood: uncomfortable
Current Music: U2- With Or Without You
October 11th, 2008
|01:12 am - I'm happy for you.|
I once thought that a friendship spanning 12 years would develop eventually into something that once warranted the mentioning of the word "soulmate."
I realize now, that for several important, and relatively inescapable reasons, it never will.
But he's happy, and grounded, and settled.
And one day, I will be too, even though it won't be with him.
Current Mood: done
Current Music: Kerli - Walking on Air
March 19th, 2008
|12:42 am - I'm not ballsy by nature...|
...but I think I've put myself out there enough, short of just telling Homeboy, "Hey. I like you. I've liked you since high school, and I get the impression that it's mutual."
But I can't seem to, you see, because I am a wuss. A chickenshit.
I have a feeling that I'm just gonna have to sit back and see if he catches my drift from afar.
Because we all know, that love seems to be easier esp. if it's unrequited.
Damn. We're both almost 30 for cripe's sake.
I need to grow the fuck up already.
Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: Mazzy Star - Into Dust
June 8th, 2006
|09:02 pm - oy vey|
it's just an occupational hazard when you have a slight crush on a priest who's your age.
Current Mood: weird
June 7th, 2006